Bey Beys in the Beyhive

During the first month of 2017 the world stage has been engrossed in a seismic whirlwind of drama and controversy. But the highlight of January (and maybe 2017)….Beyonce is expecting TWINS. I get way too excited when I meet a stranger in the park with twins, so you can image how big of a freak out I had when I learned that the ultimate stranger who only the likes of the Queen and Oprah get to meet is a mother-of-multiples-to-be. You guys… Queen Bey is joining my wolf pack. 

It’s actually quite fitting that Beyonce is having twins because Survivor is basically the theme song for twin parenting (see #6 below.) And did you see the announcement photo?! Of course you did. If anyone can make a green veil and what I can only assume are props from the Wedding Singer movie circa 1998 look that good, I have no doubt she will make mothering multiples look like sunshine in the rain. After all… she’s a survivor. There is a slight possibility that “B” was taking a cue from “W”, another parent of multiples, but in my opinion she definitely takes the cake in this Who Wore it Best. Coincidentally, these are my two favorite images from January.

                

I don’t talk much about the ABC’s and 123’s of having twins, but in light of this huge announcement, I am sending some words of wisdom (AKA trial and error) out into the universe for my soul sister Bey, and anyone else who has been doubly blessed.

1. Say My Name– Picking a name for one baby is a difficult task in itself so it’s no surprise that picking not one but two names really raises the stakes. Will my kids forever resent me for these names? Will these names destine them to an adolescence of ridicule and being picked last for dodgeball? Will they become hermits that never go outside because they were always picked last for dodgeball? Is dodgeball even safe?! These are the questions parents will hopefully ask themselves, otherwise they might end up naming their children something ridiculous like Yellow Boxwood and Green Hyacinth. As far as names go, the options are endless, but the respectable ones aren’t. My best tips Bey:  1. both names should have the same amount of syllables, and 2. do NOT give your twins names that rhyme.
2. Bootylicious– I’m convinced celebs have access to some secret antidote for losing baby weight in about a week flat, in fact I’m suspicious they pass it out at the Oscars and Golden Globes during the commercial breaks. For everyone else, losing baby weight can be a bit of a battle. It took me about three months to get back into my pre-pregnancy clothes, and while that doesn’t sound like a lot of time now it felt like an eternity then. I was about read to burn my maternity clothes and worked my ass off to get workouts in even though I was half asleep for most of them. But let’s be real, you’re basically half asleep for the first twelve months with twins anyways. Turns out, once the kids start eating solids they eat all of your food anyways so you don’t get a chance to over eat even if you wanted to. So here’s one very important tip- keep your chocolate hidden and only eat it after 7 pm when the kids have gone to bed. Suckers.
3. If I were a Boy– The bey beys’ genders haven’t been revealed yet, but as a mother to twin boys I do have a bit of intel on handling the fellows, both young and old, but the later is for another day. When you have boys the whole men are from Mars women are from Venus thing becomes strikingly apparent. Even from a very early age boys just think and act completely differently than girls do. The most accurate explanation of twin boys I have come across is a comparison of how similar they are to velociraptors. My favorites being 1. they work as a team against you, 2. they systematically probe for weaknesses, 3. they’re unnaturally strong and fast, and 4. when it’s too quiet- be afraid! These sound like a joke, but they really aren’t. The best way to combat this reality is to think like a boy to anticipate and counteract. And repeat for the next 20 years.
4. Smash into You– Twins are obviously a challenge, but the entertainment is priceless. Boys especially are utterly ridiculous and play very rough with one another. At times I have to employ my deepest self control to stop myself from falling over laughing when I have to turn referee and prevent a knock out. This doesn’t start happening until they’re about a year old, but when it does I’m giving you fair warning to get ready to put up the best poker faces of your life. The plus side of the rough housing is when we’re at the playground they mostly just rough up each other instead of other peoples’ kids so I don’t have to run around apologizing to other parents. Ah the silver lining.
5. Run the World– Your babies’ faces will without a doubt be the cutest and sweetest things you ever see. It’s really hard to say no to the little buggers, especially when they are double teaming you with the puppy eyes, but you HAVE to because if you give in once they will expect that to be the new norm. They don’t like their dinner and want something else? Too bad. They will just be good and hungry for breakfast the next morning. Calm down, they get a cup of milk before bed every night so they don’t go to sleep starving. From the beginning you must lay the groundwork and set up a hierarchy of rules and structure, otherwise your kids will run all over you. Who run the world? MOM!
6. Soldier– When you have twins you absolutely have to implement an extremely strict schedule for eating and sleeping from day one. This ensures that both you and your kids are getting food and rest when you’re supposed to. Without a strict, fixed schedule your babies might make their own separate patterns, and if you think keeping up with one newborn’s schedule sounds hard, image keeping up with TWO separate ones. Yea, no thanks. I have never felt more like a drill sergeant than when I became a mom of twins, but it’s worked out very well so far. My boys know the schedule and what I expect of them. They take good naps, sleep at night (they have never slept in our bed), eat their meals, and are only allowed one snack during the afternoon. Maybe now that they’re two it’s time to teach them to salute. Getting on and sticking to as schedule isn’t easy, but it’s worth it. If you need some pumping up to get your head in the game, try sporting fatigues a la Destiny’s Child and repeat to yourself “I’m not gon’ stop, I’m gon’ work harder, I’m a survivor!”
7. Deja Vu (times two)– Children are quick learners, but they are also selective listeners and twins sometimes egg one another on. It’s so much easier to do something naughty when your buddy is right behind you keeping a look out. Depending on the type of disciplinarian you are, the duration of how long it will take to ingrain NO in your childrens’ heads will vary, but regardless, expect to be have deja vu times two many times over. They’ll learn eventually, but by the time they do they’ll have moved on to the next. But that’s just how it goes with twins, and boys. C’est la vie!
8. Me, Myself, and I– Make the time to take care of yourself. As a mom of twins you’re constantly being pulled in two directions at once with a never ending to-do list. Rest your booty, feed your booty, work out your booty, and take your booty out for cocktails with the girls on the reg.
9. Bills, bills, bills– Kids are EXPENSIVE. Obviously not an issue if you’re staffed up and have millions upon millions in the bank (well done Bey), but if you’re a mere mortal expecting multiple mere mortals, you have to be really smart about where and when you spend money. Twins do need two of some things, but definitely not everything. For babies you need to double up on the basics (i.e… cribs, carseats, highchairs, clothing, pacifiers, and diapers) but after that buy as you go. My boys have both been different sizes since they were about 8 months old, so we only have bought one set of clothing (as opposed to two sets) for the following sizes since. If you’re unsure if you’ll need two, buy one to start and if it turns out you need more, make a couple clicks and Amazon will deliver to your door in one-two days. You’ve seen the Spiderman costume commercial right? Gets me every time…
10. Crazy in Love– Twins are double the fun, double the love. But as a parent of twins you will many times over ask yourself if you are actually going crazy. The answer is yes. But you can find solace in the infamous words of the Mad Hatter, because in the parents of multiples wolf pack “we’re all made here!”

Keep On Surivin